When a portly mouth breather with an inferiority complex chooses to go toe to toe with an adversary he better not bring a sticker of butter for brain food.
At work today I was faced with the sad realization that the Lieutenant Dan to my Forrest Gump will never return, I was also left to deal with the aftermath.
Porky Pig and his diabetes bag were on a rampage pissing in every corner of our office, basically marking his territory. While lifting a phone receiver gives him heart palpitations, he believes he can solve problems with a single heroic whine...or should I say: SQUEEL!
Today I was trying to hold it together and not implode from the fuckwads I'm forced to work with but in waddles thigh-friction, anal leakage himself and starts in with the standard operating procedures for post-its. The fuck? Yes. I guess I was not aware every note must have his hoof of approval before seeing the flourecent lights of his pigdom.
This man has lost his damn mind. And if that was not proof enough, he quoted comments from my own Facebook and finished his swan dance by grabbing his crotch before calling ME unprofessional!
Bacon grease and the left over fat from liposuctions he digs out from back alley clinics a margarita do not make.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The State of the State
Let me tell you what is wrong with the state of the state. Okay, let rephrase that: Let me me tell you one thing that is wrong with the state of this state. Because if California were a rainbow...it would be all shades wrong!
I work for the State of California. Specifically for a department which is big on customer service. In our worker handbook customer service is defined by tactfully synchronizing our eye rolls and sighs the exact moment the customers' problems start creeping into our break or lunch times. Our department offers 3 types of trainings where we are taught the ninja-type skills of deflecting real issues and tossing 1-800 number cards like weapons when stumped. But the most basic qualification an employee most possess (even before proper grammar, of course!) is the art of the elusive bitch, please face, which must be flashed if it is even SUSPECTED that we are being lied to.
After offering all this "customer service" we expect what we are are due dammit! We are not only offered on-the-job training for each service we are required to perform, but we are sent to additional trainings. Get this...IF you start losing money like a drunken monkey at the zoo Christmas party you don't get fired. NO. You get a big state-paid-for tittay put in your mouth like a fucking baby and sent to a training and how to STOP LOSING MONEY!
If you start yelling at customers as if it was your 2 year old who just shit his pants again...you don't get fired. NO. You get more state tittay milk and shipped off to another training on how NOT TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE SHIT!
We have a training for everything. Unfortunately none of it ever sticks. Nope. They come back worse than unruly teenagers from Military School. They say they've change and will never do it again. The minute you turn your back and they're left alone, they drink up all the booze, get "familiar" with the neighbor boy and have you driving downtown at 3 a.m. looking for the morning after pill...but I digress.
You what this spells? Esses! Esses with those little slashes through them: $$$$$$!! Each one of these employees costs money. Trainings, salary, insurance, retirement, and lord knows what else these sly fuckers get that I know nothing about. They also manage to get repetitive motion injuries while NOT MOVING which I cannot wrap my mind around!
California has been run into the ground by our legislators no joke about that. Now we're becoming a "Lord of the Flies" state. Let the weak ones fend for themselves. They want money? Let them work for it. They want my job? Let them fight me for it?
I work for the State of California. Specifically for a department which is big on customer service. In our worker handbook customer service is defined by tactfully synchronizing our eye rolls and sighs the exact moment the customers' problems start creeping into our break or lunch times. Our department offers 3 types of trainings where we are taught the ninja-type skills of deflecting real issues and tossing 1-800 number cards like weapons when stumped. But the most basic qualification an employee most possess (even before proper grammar, of course!) is the art of the elusive bitch, please face, which must be flashed if it is even SUSPECTED that we are being lied to.
After offering all this "customer service" we expect what we are are due dammit! We are not only offered on-the-job training for each service we are required to perform, but we are sent to additional trainings. Get this...IF you start losing money like a drunken monkey at the zoo Christmas party you don't get fired. NO. You get a big state-paid-for tittay put in your mouth like a fucking baby and sent to a training and how to STOP LOSING MONEY!
If you start yelling at customers as if it was your 2 year old who just shit his pants again...you don't get fired. NO. You get more state tittay milk and shipped off to another training on how NOT TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE SHIT!
We have a training for everything. Unfortunately none of it ever sticks. Nope. They come back worse than unruly teenagers from Military School. They say they've change and will never do it again. The minute you turn your back and they're left alone, they drink up all the booze, get "familiar" with the neighbor boy and have you driving downtown at 3 a.m. looking for the morning after pill...but I digress.
You what this spells? Esses! Esses with those little slashes through them: $$$$$$!! Each one of these employees costs money. Trainings, salary, insurance, retirement, and lord knows what else these sly fuckers get that I know nothing about. They also manage to get repetitive motion injuries while NOT MOVING which I cannot wrap my mind around!
California has been run into the ground by our legislators no joke about that. Now we're becoming a "Lord of the Flies" state. Let the weak ones fend for themselves. They want money? Let them work for it. They want my job? Let them fight me for it?
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Arizona Bitch is Cray Cray
In recent news our world has been turning on our asses. If it's not a flood, it's an earthquake or tornadoes, hurricanes, locusts, chocolate rain, etc. In short, this bitch is mad and we in danger. But instead of fighting the Earth back by joining BP and getting revenge we take it out on each other.
Unless you've been stuck in your momma's basement smoking weed since 9th grade (I'm jealous) you are aware that some parched looking meerkat with a blond kitchen wig out of Arizona is declaring that anyone suspected of breaking the law is going to be asked for papers. No, not rolling papers, you silly stoners. They will be asked for documentation proving that they are legally in the country. Of course thirstay meerkat says that there shall be NO racial profiling. Obviously. I guess this means that every time Billy Bob Fux-His-Cousin runs a red light he'll be asked for his green card or passport?
The reason given for this tough-love law is that this helps keep criminal illegals out of the country. You see, even if a foreigner never steals, kills, and works twice as hard as the next guy, the fact that they came to this country without the proper documentation makes them criminals since they broke the law. See how that works? Oh, and the drug cartels and their hench men? I'm sure they are shaking in their ridiculous ostrich boots over the threat of being asked for their "papers".
I believe this could all be solved so easily. Someone please just give this bitch in Arizona a glass of water and some moisturizer. She was left out in the sun just a minute too long and now her sandpaper vagina is causing everyone to suffer.
And to just to give you something to rinse the nastiness out of your mouth...I leave you with Chocolate Rain!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwTZ2xpQwpA
Unless you've been stuck in your momma's basement smoking weed since 9th grade (I'm jealous) you are aware that some parched looking meerkat with a blond kitchen wig out of Arizona is declaring that anyone suspected of breaking the law is going to be asked for papers. No, not rolling papers, you silly stoners. They will be asked for documentation proving that they are legally in the country. Of course thirstay meerkat says that there shall be NO racial profiling. Obviously. I guess this means that every time Billy Bob Fux-His-Cousin runs a red light he'll be asked for his green card or passport?
The reason given for this tough-love law is that this helps keep criminal illegals out of the country. You see, even if a foreigner never steals, kills, and works twice as hard as the next guy, the fact that they came to this country without the proper documentation makes them criminals since they broke the law. See how that works? Oh, and the drug cartels and their hench men? I'm sure they are shaking in their ridiculous ostrich boots over the threat of being asked for their "papers".
I believe this could all be solved so easily. Someone please just give this bitch in Arizona a glass of water and some moisturizer. She was left out in the sun just a minute too long and now her sandpaper vagina is causing everyone to suffer.
And to just to give you something to rinse the nastiness out of your mouth...I leave you with Chocolate Rain!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwTZ2xpQwpA
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